It’s easy when they’re little. A young child needs supervision 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But as they grow older, there is a great deal of room for discussion.
We spend their early lives teaching them so much, including how to be safe and how to make good choices. When they are 10, 11 or 12 years old, we start to trust them to try out what they’ve learned. We might leave them at home alone while we run to the store, or let them walk home from the bus stop. If they show a sense of responsibility and good decision-making skills, their time unattended can increase. We might allow things like walking to the corner store, riding a bike to a friend’s house or being dropped off and picked up at the movie theater.
The toughest transition from total dependence to healthy independence comes during the teenage years. Teens tend to overestimate their ability to handle themselves responsibly, while parents might underestimate it. Let’s say they work hard in school, have great time-management skills and know how to juggle their many activities successfully. Their choices in friendships appear healthy and there is no evidence of inappropriate risk-taking behavior. They might even be on the honor roll, involved in community service and an important part of an athletic team. It might be just a year or two before they will leave the nest for a college campus or other setting where they won’t have your supervision. It appears they understand the lessons you taught.
Still, we worry that letting go of the reigns will offer too much freedom, and their not-yet-fully-developed minds might lead them astray. Scientists claim the human brain does not typically reach maturity until age 26, and impulse-control is one of the factors affected. At what rate do we begin to let go?
For high school students, there are certain common scenarios that lead to often contentious discussions. There is the issue of being home with a friend, especially one of the opposite gender, when a parent isn’t home. There are the weekend parties where there may, or not, be an adult present. There are post-prom, post-homecoming and other events associated with their semi-formal and formal nights out. What about sleeping at a friend’s house? How far is too far to go in fact-checking an almost-adult? What about the notion that you can’t possibly supervise their every moment, so why micromanage them if there are no signs of trouble?
There is the concern that being overly protective and restricting their independence too much might cause rebellion and dishonesty. They might act out when they get a glimpse of freedom, or lie about their whereabouts. If we show trust and have reasonable expectations, might they be more honest and fill us in on what is really going on in their lives?
One common example of this is the parent who requires their young driver has a location-tracking app on their phone. It’s one thing when it is used to ensure safety, and another when it is used to track their every movement. Another behavior parents need to decide on is whether or not to call every house their teenager plans to visit, to talk to the other parent and check on their supervision arrangement.
My husband and I fall into the roles of good cop/bad cop. I tend to be more permissive and trusting, while his priority is always safety and liability. I stress the importance of the values I believe we have instilled in our kids. I feel they will generally do the right thing. His automatic answer would be “no” when asked common questions about having friends over, sleeping out and going to post-dance parties. We temper one another, and a fair and well-thought-out balance usually prevails.
We have gone over scenarios, often ripped from the headlines. If they saw a peer who was unresponsive for some reason, would they immediately call an adult or the authorities for help, or would they spend time worrying about who might get in trouble? What would they do if they saw someone planning to drive impaired? Should they always use the buddy system at large venues like concerts and festivals?
If all indications are that a teen has the ability to make decent choices, providing them the opportunity to experience the freedom of making age-appropriate decisions is a show of respect. It might strengthen the parent-child bond, ensure open communication and increase the teen’s confidence as they continue to mature.
